Sunday, August 28, 2016

I don't belong.

I spent many years not understanding why I didn't fit in.

I remember in fifth grade, moving to a new school, and one of my friends was friends with the "in" crowd.  Cute little nicknames and whatnot.  I didn't make the cut because my dad was a truck driver. Stung a bit.
Jr. High was hell.  Puberty was not kind to me in any way, shape, or form.  We didn't have money.  So I wore an incredibly old coat, think 70's, and sported a hair style that absolutely did me no favors. Try feathering hair that's naturally curly.
Dear God.  It was horrific.
High school brought good friends and other misfits.  And I got along with anyone and everyone. From the rich to the poor.  From the strait-laced to the druggies.  Didn't bother me any which way.
But I didn't belong.
Always that feeling of not quite smoothing my edges to fit into the hole that would have guaranteed me some sort of acceptance.
Fast forward.
Several decades later, I've come to the realization that I'm not meant to "belong", so to speak.  I live in my head quite often.  I talk nonsense sometimes.  I'm fanciful and often impetuous.  Other times I could think something to death, revive it, and think it to death again.  I don't need anyone's acceptance but my own.
I remember reading a horoscope years ago that plainly stated, "your way is not the usual way".
Well.  No shit.
It's never been.
Many people have a straight line from Point A to Point B.  I never had.  And that's quite alright.  I used to wonder what was wrong with me that I never had that straight line.  But, perhaps I wasn't meant to.

Part of me often wondered if it was because I skipped a grade and somehow altered some part of my life that was meant to be different.  But, no.  The decision was sound and one I've never regretted.  Maybe I zigged when I should have zagged.  Maybe.  *shrug*
Or maybe I'm simply one of those people that doesn't quite fit the constructs of this world and am renting space in a place I've decided to visit while en route to something greater.
My soul believes that.
So while I'm here, I'll spin my stories and love my people and wax poetic about life and its fancies and foibles.  Live with little regret and lots of love.
Because this place?  That's why it exists.  It's meant for experimenting to find what truly speaks to us.  To find those in our tribe.  To explore the depths of ourselves.
It's incredibly easy to be shallow.  To smile when we don't feel like it.  To answer "fine" when someone asks about our mood.
But it's so much harder to be real and authentic.  To give whispers of yourself to others every day in your truest form.
Because some can't handle the light that radiates from a found soul.  It's too bright or cuts too deep.  They turn their heads and refuse to see.

Truth is, I don't belong.  None of us do.  We form our friendships and weave our families and love those near and dear.
But when you connect to yourself and uncover your truest and deepest self, you'll be home.
No matter where you are.

No comments: