Monday, December 31, 2012

The last of the last of the last

I've already stated my extreme dislike of 2012.
So let's move on, shall we?

Hello, gorgeous.
What are we going to do for each other?

Several years ago, I believe I jotted down goals of a sort.  Things I wanted to do, perhaps.  Some things to accomplish.
So we're giving that another go because I do better with all that business written down.
Let's see.

Need to work on the writing.  Have you ever had an idea for a book...sat on it for too long...and someone else wrote the story?
Third level of hell.  Hate that.  Need to pop on it and make writing a priority.  I don't know whether I would do better making myself write ever so often or penciling it in or what.  But writing?  Yes.  Need to pay attention more to that mistress.

Sweet Jesus.
I'm going to have to let them make their own mistakes.  This one's a killer.  No.  Really.  I've never been a helicopter parent, but I've always been there for them.  Now I'm going to have to pick and choose the situations for my sanity.
Two are literally adults.  So why can't I get the feeling that they're still "little" out of my head???
Work in progress.

Working it.
My day job.
I will continue to give my all at work but discontinue to bring that crap home with me.  So what if the MB doesn't work?  What can I do?  Wave a magic wand?
I can only do what I can do.  I need to retire my occupational cape.  Dreams about the day job?  I'm really over that.  Unless they are warm fuzzy ones.
More often than not...they are nothing of the sort.

My body has had one HELL of a year.  Two, three (?) trips to the ER.  Unbelievable pain in my back/legs/hips.
I'm rather done with it.
That translates into taking better care of myself.  Do you know that the other night was the first time I went to the grocery store and only bought one apple?  Two zucchini?
I'm used to buying in bulk and cooking in bulk.  Don't need to do that now.  Waiting for that to sink in.
Not going to lie.  I loved it.

I know that there are some of you out there who are your own worst critic.  Your standard for yourself is far and beyond any that anyone else could/would set.
Welcome to the club.
This has a place in your life.  But it should not occupy the "be all--end all" spot.  You can make yourself literally sick with this crap.  Fretting and figuring.  Sucking up precious time with crap that is so not worth it.
I've started letting more things roll off me this year.  I hope to continue that next year.
Or you'll find me in the nearest padded room counting the creases in the wall.

Why do we wait for the turn of a year before doing things that need to be done?  Is it so imperative to have that clean break where one year ends and another starts?
Perhaps.  Perhaps it is.
All I know is that 2013 will be better.
Because I will do better and be better.

Hope you and yours have a New Year filled with joy and laughter and moments that make you look back years later and hold them to your heart.


Sunday, December 23, 2012

Good riddance, 2012

I'm ready to see the backside of 2012.  The view of the front and middle certainly sucked ass.
While this year had a few mainly blew.
I won't miss this year.  I'll likely try and forget it.  And while there are probably some that say "it's what you make it"...I can only fight an uphill battle for so many months.
Will you be my darling?
Do you think we could possibly start out on the right foot?  Dance cheek-to-cheek?  Pursue mutual goals?
I'll try harder.  You try not to trip me every step.  Things like that?
Because I honestly can't take another year like this one.  I've already warned the family.
Things must change.  I have a plan in place.
Now...if only everyone else hopped on board.
Because that's part of my problem.
Doing it by myself.  I've had to do it so long by myself that it is just natural for me to run myself into the ground while telling myself I can do it.
Reality check.  I shouldn't have to.  I have three "adult" daughters for all intents and purposes.  They are quite capable of pitching in and helping.  Now...if they would.  There's the rub.
They, like I, have become used to Mom doing it all.
Not so much.  Not anymore.  Not this year.

So I wish you and yours a sincere Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
I hope to be back in 2013 a bit wiser, a bit calmer, and a bit happier.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


This year has sucked ass.  Let's not sugarcoat this bullshit. 
It's been year of financial hell, personal tribulations, and health issues.
I'm sick of it.
In more ways than one.

But wait!
What if I could just take my little cheeks away somewhere?  Somewhere with wi-fi and a view?  With no expectation from others about what I should be doing and who I should be doing it with???
Grab my laptop and Simba (you knew damn good and well I would be taking boy child with)...and boogie like my ass is on fire.

What would that be like?  Just a woman and her feline on the run? 

I'd come back...eventually.

I've simply come to the point where all the external shit is fucking with my internal voices.  To say I loathe it would not be giving it the full attention nor gravity it so richly deserves.

I'm exhausted.  And I know damn good and well that none of this will simmer the hell down until perhaps next year.  Perhaps.
And if it doesn't?

Watch out for the crazy woman in the blue Escape with her orange feline riding shotgun headed off into the sunset.
She needs a break.


Saturday, October 06, 2012

I've come to realize...

...I really DO need a writing cave.  (With a nice desk and all the office supply goodies it can hold)
...Motherhood is just a migraine waiting to happen.
...I can take or leave people
...I have music in my soul.  And, thank God, on my iPod.
...what I THINK I know is subject to change.  Repeatedly.  On an hour-by-hour basis.
...mean people still suck. one lives forever.
...the voices in my head keep me company. small decision can change your life.
...sometimes a smile and a nod is better than opening your mouth.
..."clever" to me is foreplay.  Self-confidence is sexy. movie popcorn must have butter.
...sleeping with my cat, who wants to hatch my head like an egg, makes me happy.
...hearing my children laugh lifts my mood.
...there is nothing better on a cold Sunday than a warm roast.
...losing myself in a good book is a gift. 
...judging someone by their differences and accepting them because of their similarities is fucking stupid.
...cranberry grape juice is delectable.
...if you have my attention, use it wisely.
...I'm the person who, if locked up with crayons, would be scribbling all over the walls and probably perfectly content to do so.
...that listening is a lost art. creative side doesn't need a leash.  It needs free reign.
...happiness is not a guarantee. 


Saturday, September 22, 2012

Blogger hates me

I know, I know!!! 
I've been bloggerly remiss.  Beat me with the nearest font, and be done with it.  It's been MONTHS since I've posted.
And you have no idea how long it took me even to get ONTO my blog today.
I thought it was being held hostage.  I really did.
But ALAS!!!  Here I be.  Ready to take this bitch by the horns and make it surrender to my bidding.
I'm so shamelesss.
And this stupid little message keeps popping up.  Um, I should probably publish this before Blogger sucks it into a time void or something.
In shortest terms...I'M BACK!!!

Monday, April 09, 2012

Time is of the essence

Time is a squirrely thing. Sometimes it flies by. Sometimes it crawls. But I've found this one thing to be true: If I don't make time for myself, no one else will bother to.
And I'm not being hateful. I'm simply throwing out a few hard truths. Just because you're free, doesn't mean I am. Just because it's convenient for you, doesn't mean it's convenient for me.
And I've found, as the stress and pressure from both personal and professional life intrudes, that I NEED time for myself.
Call me selfish. But don't call me.
I try my best to respect others and their time. I've gotten better, especially with the girls. I've come to realize when a good time to talk is vs. fighting them to pay attention to what I'm saying.
Everyone is different. Time in a bottle is just a song, folks. You can't save Jack.
So I'll continue to call timeouts for myself and hope that others understand that I'm not being rude nor selfish. I'm being self-preserving.
Gone are the days when I empty myself out for others. When I give until I collapse.
So let's be grateful for the time we have instead of trying to push and push and push to fit something into a mold it won't fit nor wants to be.
Time is flexible.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Herd of cats

I would rather raise a herd of cats than teenage daughters. Cats have no vocal cords to whine about phone bills needing to be paid. Cats do not wear underwear and therefore do not need bras and panties and socks. Cats do not have opposable thumbs and so they are not texting God knows who about God knows what and thinking that anyone and everyone on the other side of the phone is a "friend." When cats attack you, they come full frontal force with ears back and claws unsheathed. (Except Simba who sometimes prefers a rear assault) Cats do NOT talk shit about you behind your back and then expect something from you. Cats are happy with food, water, an occasional treat and a nice litterbox. They do not have a list longer than my arm which includes pricey shoes that will be worn exactly once. Once again...cats roll naked--except maybe a collar. Cats are happy to see people, and if they're not--then you know it. Purring=good. Ears flat to head=get to steppin'.
So in the midst of this clusterfuck with my three (COUNT THEM---THREE) teenage daughters...I shall kiss my precious little Simba and thank God I had his pom poms snipped so he's not a hormonal asshat, too.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

2012--More or Less

There's really only two ways about it. More or less.
On the more side:
write more
publish more
focus on myself more
rest more
On the less side:
stress less
worry about others less
It would seem rather simple now, wouldn't it?
I miss writing. I miss it like an ache in my chest. Between working the day job and going and doing and seeing and taking care of others here there and everywhere...I don't do it nearly enough.
The writing is like a forgotten gift. Sitting in its shiny red box gathering dust while I zip all around it making sure everything else is taken care of.
I hate it.
I hate not being able to push everything ELSE to the side while I settle into a chair somewhere with my laptop, the voices in my head, and my "writing" playlist on iTunes.
There are so many expectations now, aren't there? Things we're expected to do. And God forbid those things are pushed to the peripheral while we take a moment.
I want to be a wee bit selfish. *grins* I want to clasp my laptop to my chest like Gollum with his precious and slink off to somewhere...ANYWHERE...I won't be bothered.
What do you want? What do you need that has been pushed to the side???