Friday, June 03, 2016

Look, but don't touch.

I like my eyes.  Even though I've had to wear corrective lenses since I was twelve.  They're kind of like my throat.  I know they're there.  But I really don't worry about them.  They do their thing.  I do my thing.  We do things together.  Like my throat.  I eat food.  Drink drinks.  We all go merrily on our way.
Until we don't.

I went to the eye doc in early May for a new pair of glasses.  I absolutely love these frames, by the way.  Thank you, Ben, assistant eye frame picker outer extraordinaire.  But I found out that I have pressure behind my eyes.
So, when I tell you people you make my eye twitch, SEE WHAT HAPPENS???

Anyway, doc set up my appointment for yesterday.  They were going to take four pressure readings.  9:45.  11:45.  1:45.  3:45.
Alrighty then.
I show up at 9:45 a bit stressed.  There's been talk of dilation and tests and poking.  I'm not a fan.  But lo and behold, I'm ushered right in, and she takes the pressure in both my eyes.  It was maybe a minute and a half in the office.  Out I go.
Ran around and finished some errands.  Back at 11:45.  In and out.
I'm liking this.
Started becoming a bit more tired around 1:45 visit.  Haven't been sleeping so great.  But, in and out.
Then I go in at 3:45.
I already knew I couldn't sashay in and out.  They were going to dilate my eyes and whatnot.  So I wait a minute while they pull my chart.  Go back.  Madison takes my pressure reading.  I return to the waiting room.  Then the blonde assistant comes and ushers me back into that room for "tests".
I like tests.  I do well on tests.
I had no idea what any of this was going to entail.

I put my eye on this little lens and looked inside.  Three black dots.  Two big dots on the outside.  Little dot in the middle.  The middle dot was about to put on a magic show.  It would change colors, and I was supposed to click on my clicker anytime I saw it "shimmer".  Oh.  Kay.
Wasn't too bad.  Right eye first.  Then I sat there and hummed a little tune when Ben saw I finished and moved me over to the other eye.  Done with that one in record time.
Then I scooched over this other machine with a tiny black square in the middle.  And I had to focus on it, and whenever I saw the black lines anywhere on the screen (checking my peripherals), I would click my button.  It was five minutes PER EYE.
That's an eternity in eye time.
After awhile, I'm like...did I see those lines?  I think I did. that them over there?  Maybe.  Light, but I think I see them.  So I'm straining my eyes trying to see every one of those damn lines, all the while stressed out that I'm missing like half of them, and my blindness is imminent.
Done with one eye.
Thank God.
On to the other.
My left eye had been shut the entire time, and I said, "Wait!"  Good God.  Let me adjust my eye before I put it on this lens, and you test me.  Criminey, people.  I'm still seeing shadows where there aren't any.
*deep breath*
Left eye.  Started having the same problem toward the end.  Did I actually see those lines?  Am I seeing really light ones?  For the love of God...
Finished.  Finally.
Felt pretty good about that.

Then we walk over to a room where I sit myself down in the chair.  You know the one.  It's all professional eye-checking room.  I tried to sit in one of the regular chairs, but the doctor was having none of that.

Then she said that my numbers looks good.  Pressure was high, but no other damage.  Woot!
She leaves, and Ben comes in to dilate my eyes.
I've NEVER had my eyes dilated before.  At the grand ol' age of forty-four, I'm like...what the what?  He hands me a tissue, and I'm holding it and looking at him like I haven't the faintest, and I ask, "You're going to do something to me, and I'm going to cry?"  He turns and looks at me.  I explain that I've never had my eyes dilated, and he can't believe it.  The blonde is assisting him.  He tells me that he's going to drop some drops in my eyes.  That's it.  I may feel it a little bit.
He holds my eye open, and drops the drops.  Seriously???  That shit burns.  Not like acid, but pretty close.  Then he boogies around to the other side and does that one.  He further explains that the drops will help when they stab me in the eye.
I adore him.
I pointed to the door and told him he had to go.  He laughed all the way down the hall.  I'm sitting there waiting for dilation.  Doctor comes back in and says she wants to check the thickness of my cornea.  Well, shit.  Sure.  Why didn't you say so???
Madison comes back in holding a small green plastic pencil case.  Something that comes out of that case can't be that bad, right???
So.  So damn wrong.
Madison tells me I probably won't like her.  I arch my eyebrow.  I ask why that is.
She's putting MORE EFFING DROPS in my eye.  Not just one...two.  Then she's laughing and says she would pay to see me have lasik done.  (the whole office is sadistic...I love them)
I reply, have you SEEN what they use?  It's like the jaws of life on your EYE!  They hold it open, and it looks absolutely terrifying.
But I digress.
She drops the two drops, and asks me if I'm ready for the other two.  I say, sure.  I had so much fun with the first eye.  Two drops in my left.
Then...THEN...she opens up her little green plastic case and removes something from optometric nightmares.
She explains that she is going to put this contraption ON MY EYE.  And she will keep it there until it gets a reading.  And I should be as still as possible and not move my eye and if I do then they will have to keep doing it.
I'm in hell.
It's this little damn sucker a bit bigger than a contact, and I can see it coming toward my eye, and it makes this HORRIFIC sucking sound when it touches MY EYE.
It took forever in eye time.  So maybe ten seconds.
That is finally done.  The blonde is now going to measure my cornea.  The lights go off to set the mood.  Then she takes this Polaroid camera on steroids (you young people can Google Polaroid...I'll wait) and puts one end on her eye and the other on my right eye.  I'm supposed to stare straight ahead.  And then like these deadlights (yes, a Stephen King reference--this is my eye horror story) are brighter than hell in my eye.  Checking on cornea size.
She gets what she came for.  I feel so used.  Then the lights come back on.  Dr. comes back and says that everything looks good.  Cornea is a little thicker than normal which could be good news since it may be able to handle my eye pressure better, BUT...let's schedule me for some type of optic nerve hoedown since all these tests were horizontal, and now we need a vertical.
Um, excuse me?
I go have my optic nerve jacked with on the 17th.  I'm sure there will be a story there, too.

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